Good afternoon, criminals!

Jesus Christ, are we funded. We sure are funded, almost three times over, by 2 PM. Good lord.

At this time, our $2k base pins (Raccoon, Deer, Cat), as well as a whole damn load of stretch goals (Opossum, Fox and Bat) are covered. Good job, you freaks.

Freebie pins are, also, obviously unlocked. If you're a repeat offender, that Barn Owl is yours. And, if you're getting 5 or more 1.5" CRIMES pins, you got a Sparkledog with your name on it.

That's not all... our CREATE A CRIMINAL sponsor tiers went before I could even vet them.

Luckily, the price point means everyone who got them is either a beloved KEN'S PIN HUSTLE regular, or one of my long-time friends who DM'd me on discord for the first time in so long I didn't even recognize him.

This means there's gonna be three new CRITTER CRIMES pin options for you to pick from. What are they? Well, I know two of them, and they make me ugly laugh under my breath at how dumb they are (in a good way.) The last one: we're going to find out together, because while it's from a regular, the fact he grabbed the tier was a bit of a curveball.

He's got good taste, don't worry. But, we don't know what that taste is gonna be.

We will all, collectively, know what these three new little monsters are later this week. While their creators are getting 10 of their new pin, these mysterious felons WILL be available to all backers during surveys!

All PRIDE PARROTS designs are also available, with the $2k goal covered! Remember: I toss $2 from each of these little guys to Gay Men's Health Crisis.

I'm gonna be real with you guys, I am beat from a terrible week and I need to go lie down. I feel like I got hit by a truck. Was it the emergency vet visit, the GOLDEN AGE PARROTS crunch, or the two days of Arby's potato cake hedonism in a row? Who knows. Could be all of them. Could be none. So, this may be the last time you hear from me tonight.

I don't want to leave you hanging, so let's go over what's up next.

At the time of writing, we're about $25 away from our Brown Rat. He's the closest goal, followed by the free sticker sheet for all backers.

After that, comes the Coyote...

...and two more critters I have to do pin artwork for. I know what they are (and you can speculate, too!) but they don't have vectors quite ready to show the masses.

After that, we have a $10k backer vote.

I'll throw you guys a bone: I can't come up with any more funny animals. That's why I make you pay me, to give me YOUR ideas. But, say it's been a bad year financially - not like that happened, to anyone, in 2024, right? Maybe you don't have $250 to throw at me.

Well, we're gonna have some fun with that. I'm going to take backer suggestions for any stupid animal and crime on the planet, shamelessly steal the best ones, and make you guys vote on them in a death match.

The winning critter is our $10k pin.

Anyways, at the rate we're going, we should start brainstorming now. Drop your ideas in the comments. Real, wild animals, or invasive animals, only.

What CRITTER do you want to see the most?

Good evening, criminals!

Alright, so, I was off doing the vectors for our last two stretch goals and one of you dicks just put us over the $10k threshold. Can someone go cancel it so I have another hour to work? Thanks.

Kidding. Thank you, genuinely, for getting us this far, this fast. Congrats, you guys are going to get your backer vote... we'll start going over some options for that, at the end.

Why don't you leave some more American, wild, animal suggestions over on this update here in the meantime? I'm still collecting ideas.

As promised, here's your final artwork for the Loitering Gator and B&E Bear pins. They never even had a chance to get funny flavor text... shame. This is for all you people, paying bail for criminals you don't even know. For shame.

These two massive miscreants are some of my favorites, and their guilt is debatable. I hope you like them: these are big ones for my zookeeper and wildlife worker customers, and they're probably two of the most misunderstood captives you'll see in certain parts of the country.

Hey, remember how all 3 CREATE A CRIMINAL tiers sold out in under 6 hours? Well, their backers have been extremely helpful, communicative, and helped me put together sketches for their chosen tributes. Sorry their artwork isn't final yet, but the sketches are approved.

Thanks to your fellow backers, I'd like to introduce...

"Ken, what the hell is that? I thought you said only real animals! I want a refund!" When did you ever know me to have integrity around money? Drawing this safe-for-work serpent is the easiest $250 I can make without taking my clothes off.

These three pins are brought to you by backers who share a sense of humor with me. I genuinely really like them, and I'm proud of these three for coming up with these choices. While this stinky skunk, this infrastructure-digging iguana, and this pyromaniac reptile are by, and for, their creators, they're not just for them: all of these pins will be options for you, too!

I have to ruin the incredible milestone with some news you guys may not totally like: Other than our 10k vote, I will probably not be adding more stretch goals.

I'm sorry if that disappoints some people. The scale of this campaign is already huge, and hitting all planned pins after just a day is going to leave me with a lot of work. With all of the CRITTER CRIMES pins, as well as BIRD CRIMES restocks and PRIDE PARROTS, I don't want to overstretch myself.

Barring a couple critters I know will sell (which I might just make, regardless of vote results), this is where CRITTER CRIMES will end. However, I don't plan on the fun ending. We've still got two weeks to go, after all...

I'd like to do some giveaways, backer games, and maybe a few more fun addon products. Do you guys have ideas? Small print cards, maybe? A sticker sheet of all the CRIMES, but small? Let me know what's on your mind, below.

I'm going to do some sleuthing and find out how to thank you guys, properly, for such a fast funding. We're talking a possible full set of CRIMES pins... but, I gotta lock it behind something real serious.

Anyways, as promised, here's the current best ideas for the backer vote. Can you beat these? Go add your own, here... remember, real animals only, wild or invasive species, and, most importantly, it has to actually sell.

Due to "discretion" (profit) I will probably add an Indecent exposure Hyena because I am not throwing away free money from furry cons. Please do not suggest the hyena.

Remember: to offset all of my sins, we are doing PRIDE PARROTS. Pick up one (or four) of these pretty, pastel-and-gold bird buddies to net $2 per pin for GMHC's meals program. Do some good, amid all the crude humor.

Add one as an addon to your pledge for $14, or grab the whole pack for a discount.

Good evening, criminals! Let's get a recap for all you night owls.

It's going to be a little past 9 PM EST when this goes out, so it'll be 12 hours since CRITTER CRIMES launched this morning.

Not gonna mince words: we have unlocked every critter I've cleaned up art for. All announced pins are now available.

These CRITTER CRIMES pins are available (so far) to everyone during surveys:

Just to clear it up: yes, you can select extra Barn Owl or Sparkledog pins during your survey as CRIMES options. Never fear: I can make too much money off of retail sales to cut them off completely.

MUGSHOT stickers were also unlocked back at $4k, and $6k means all of you get a free sticker sheet! Spruce up your pledge with some sticker addons, if you'd like: my current largest order from my sticker guys is $1.3k. Can we beat that and make their week horrible?

(sorry, Chris and Megan. I'm so sorry.)

Since there are so many options to pick from, I am opening the JUST FUCK ME UP and BAKER'S DOZEN tiers. JUST FUCK ME UP is 8 pins of either series for a discount, and BAKER'S DOZEN is 12 - with another freebie of your choice, of any design.

If you're getting more pins, I strongly recommend upgrading your tier, not just adding single pin addons! Not only will it qualify you for the Sparkledog, it'll net you better prices on each pin. You can freely swap and upgrade tiers until the campaign closes.

Due to the sheer number of pins now available - a problem I am about to make so, so much worse - I will also be adding a +5 pins addon tomorrow. This will fit the quantity pricing, and qualify you for the Sparkledog.

Speaking of making things worse: the next two stretch goals are the Loitering American Alligator and B&E Grizzly Bear.

Unceremonious, unfinished and rough, but, they're here. I've got a back to back clopen tomorrow, so we won't have the final shit for them till the evening. But, they're here. This poor, tired reptile will be able to call his lawyer to clear this misunderstanding up at $7.65k, and this boorish bear will be bagged at $8.4k.

The CREATE A CRIMINAL tiers sold out in the first wind of the campaign. I now have information on what all of these pins are, and I can guarantee you: they are, actually, all really good.

I'll sketch out artwork for our three sponsored criminals tomorrow for their backers to approve, then you guys will learn what they are.

I mentioned in the afternoon update that we're doing a backer vote at $10k. Why not go over there, and leave me your ideas for criminals? I'll take the suggestions that are actually funny and creative (or too profitable to let go) and throw them into a vote for our $10k pin.

I'm off to go walk the dog in this 40 degree weather, and do some more back-end prep.

Thanks for getting us this far, this early.